A Creed For Those Who Have Suffered

Written by an unknown Confederate Soldier

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve.
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey...

I asked for health, that I might do great things.
I  was given sickness, that I might do better things...

I asked for riches, that I might be happy.
I was given poverty, that I might be wise...

I asked for power, that I might have the praise of others.
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God...

I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life.
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things...


This is going to be a journal about my thoughts and my journey from being a cancer patient
to being cancer free.   Perhaps the thoughts and feelings here will give insight into this
journey.

Cancer-Free Plus One Day
I am still in shock.  The news was so unexpected, and suddenly there is light at the end of
the tunnel, illuminating a future day of being normal.   (That would be so nice - because I
wasn't too "normal" before, as those of you who know me realize...)  I look back at the last
couple of years and see all the signs I missed, all the things I ignored under the guise of
them being due to stress, or long hours, age or other excuses.   There were many times
where exhaustion overcame me to the point where I went and slept my lunch hour away in
my car.  Nights where I was working and found that I just couldn't be productive at all.  
Less energy, night sweats, fevers, hot flashes, a lot of exhaustion, weight loss and more. So
the cancer didn't just start when I was diagnosed.  It started much earlier.  And to anyone
reading this, I hope that you learn a lesson I never did - when you are not yourself, get
yourself checked.  This odyssey of mine could have been easier, shorter, less
life-threatening if only I had listened to my body.

But "cancer free!!"   I can't believe it.  This cancer has been here so long, and I have been
fighting it with a focus that took over much of my life. I didn't realize that until now.  Now I
have been given the opportunity to rebuild my identity back to where it was - not a victim
but a producer... all the things I was before.  

It still hasn't completely sunk in though.  Cancer-free.  Cancer-free.

Cancer-Free Plus 4 Days
Funny...  Throughout this process I think I have been pretty patient dealing with the
debilitating nature of this disease and the efforts to cure it.  Now I have seemed to lose my
patience.  I think that once I heard that I had no more cancer, my heart just wanted to move
on and forget and start a normal life again.  I wanted my body to be back the was it was
before the cancer.  But damage was done which remained, damage which will take time to
repair.  Chemicals were absorbed into my body which are still being leached back into my
bloodstream.  The Fat Lady Sang, but the opera ain't over, and my patience doesn't want to
deal with that....  I still had to have chemo, and four days after hearing that I have no
cancer, I am still dealing with its effects, the effects of the follow-on steroids, and the
diabetes, and all the medications.   Frustrating.  Reminds me of the old joke "Patience,
jackass, patience!!! "  

I still have many doctor and dentist and oncologist and hematologist and diabetic nurse and
scans and blood test appointments ahead of me over the next few weeks.   All of them a
reminder of what I have just gone through.  But each one of them just one step closer to the
goal of a normal life again.  NORMAL LIFE - what a unique concept!

Cancer Free Plus Nine Days
Had to visit the dermatologist today to have a spot on my neck checked.  Since I have a
history of melanoma, my oncologist wanted it checked out.  It appeared to be just fine, but
the dermatologist and I decided to take it off anyway - to prevent any chance of it becoming
a problem later, and to keep other doctors from worrying about it.  The procedure was
relatively painless, and I just have to keep the area medicated and covered for a while.  
With my weakened immune system, an infection would not be a welcome event.

Cancer Free Plus Fifteen Days
CAT Scan Day!!  One more scan, one more test to be out of the way.

The CAT scan isn't bad, really.  The actual scan only takes a few minutes - it is the
preliminaries that take all the time.

First, they take you in and ask a ton of medical questions, about your heart, health history,
allergies and so on.    Then they put in an IV, to be used to inject the dye once you are
ready for the scan.  Prior to the scan, you are not allowed to eat or drink anything for four
hours, but at this point they give you a luscious "Berry Smoothie" to drink.  The label on
the drink has a picture of a table filled with different types of berries, and you think "Now
THIS is something my MOTHER would feed me!!"  Then the first gulp hits your tongue
and you realize - the only way your mother would feed you THIS terrible stuff would be if
her name were Joan Crawford...

See, in the old days, they would give you this container with a label that said "Barium
Sulfate Solution" and you would KNOW that it was going to taste like liquid roadkill...  But
now they put in a few drops of berry flavoring, and figure that your tastes buds will say
"Mmmmm!!! Berry Flavored Liquid Roadkill!!!  Yummy!"   All I can say is that they must
assume that most of us have had prefrontal lobotomies...  (I think that I just might make a
fortune devising a tongue condom to accompany each bottle...  At least you wouldn't have to
TASTE the swill!!)

Once you have finished your "smoothie," they wait about 15 minutes to let it get around
your body, and then bring you in for your scan.  There are a few minutes getting the
machine calibrated, then they inject a dye that causes a tremendous hot flash and gives you
an irrepressible need to go out and shop for shoes.  Luckily, this only lasts about a minute,
so your credit cards are safe.  Once the scan starts, it only takes a couple of minutes to
complete, and you are ready to go home - with the admonition to drink a lot of water for the
next three days to clean the dye out of your system.

Cancer Free Plus Twenty-one Days
Yes, I am still frustrated by the exhaustion and not being able to hit the ground running...

Had blood tests done, and got the results of the CAT scan, and all news is still good.  The
miracle is holding!  I was also informed that, although most of the chemicals were cleaned
out of my bloodstream by my liver, over the last six months a decent amount was also
absorbed by my body, mainly in fatty areas.  These chemicals will take a while to leach out
of my system, and are the primary cause of my continued symptoms.   At least now I know
the cause, that makes it a little easier to be a little bit patient.  

But your prayers are still requested.  Hodgkins has a reputation for recurrence, and that is
simply something I would rather not happen.  Please pray for a continuation of the miracle.


Random Thoughts

1) At first I asked "Why Me?"  Once into the process, I realized that the real question was
"Why NOT me?"  I was prepared to handle it, I knew that I would beat it, and in the
process I gained new friends, new insights into myself, had a chance to express to others
what it felt like to go through this, I had the experience of being pounded down time and
again only to learn that I could rise again and deal with it knowing that I would be
triumphant, I learned to deal with my own mortality,  I learned how to get out of bed and
face the day even on days when there seemed to be no reason to,  I learned much about the
people around me and THEIR strength and love and ability to persevere.  I learned about
the wonder and power of prayer, I learned how to get myself out of times where I was
scared or nervous or weary.  I got this cancer, and the fight was often hard and frightening,
but I and those I know and those I love learned a lot from it.   Sometimes things like this
can be a blessing.

2) It is amazing how these things just happen to you.  There you are just going through life,
thinking you know the road ahead, and suddenly without notice, everything changes.  It
could be disease.  It could be a death of a loved one.  It could be winning the lottery.  It
could be the loss of a job.  So many things can happen out of the blue that change the path
of your life.  (Actually, I would have preferred winning the lottery, but no one bothered to
ask me!!)  I believe that if you think about them, understand that they can happen, you are
more prepared for them than if you don't.  Just a thought.

3) When I first started writing these journals, there were only a few people I was sending
them to. but that number grew quickly.  And I found that many people were sharing them
with others, to the point where hundreds of people were reading them.   At first, I kept
feeling as though I should say something profound, then realized that I didn't really have
anything profound to say.  I was just a guy muddling through something that was all new to
me.  And maybe that was the best message - life throws us things that we just have to
muddle through to overcome.   I dealt with it all using humor and faith, and I hope that came
through.
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Journal Seven – “Why NOT me?”